Head in the clouds

Recently Someone asked me why I thought God uses so many different names...here are my thoughts.

I feel like we as Humans will never fully grasp how great, how big, how all knowing God is.  The idea of God being perfect, to me, seems at times un-believable to my frail human mind... so in a way I think God humbles himself to us.

He uses many different titles as a way to reach out to each and every one of us specifically.  So that we as humanc can begin to grasp him or draw near to him... to someone that's hurting maybe the gentle fatherly aspect of him is what attracts them, comforts them or keeps them searching and trusting.  To me the human characteristics of God are sometimes why I feel I can come to him late at night with my sadness, my worry, just as I would go to my trusted best friend.  I also find as many do, I can reach out to JEHOVAH-JIREH - "the Lord will provide"  many of us are finding finances, bills etc... difficult these days and knowing that God is the Lord that will provide is... clarity, its comfort.  Its living life with out fear or worry.  I know that God is all of these things - I Just think that maybe just maybe he is humbling himself for us to say that "Emily today I am simply your healer"  Or " Today I'm simply Dad".  Its what Makes God sooo God.

Just a thought.

I'd love to hear what you think...

I worry!  TOO MUCH!!

Just let it all go and enjoy the moment.

I've heard statistics that say 98% of people in the world are hurting. 

98% of people are hurting right at this moment.

What if everyone that was hurting had a huge sign on their forhead that said "Help! I'm hurting." 

Would we treat each other differently ? 

What if today we intentionally treated everyone as if they are hurting?

That girl that you don't like b/c she is seemingly beautiful and has everything... is hurting.

That rude guy that really pissed you off today...

Anybody and everybody all over the world!

What would you do differently today?

Who would you treat differently today?

“Let’s put a pin in it.”

Have you ever said that line or maybe something around those lines?

I heard this the other day on the movie “Bolt” the little girl’s manager always says, “Let put a pin in it” to any of her ideas or suggestions. But what he really means is that he does not want to discuss this any further and that so called invisible pin was just thrown into the trash.

It made me laugh at the time but later I came back thinking – how many times do we do this?

How many times do friends, family, siblings come to us for help or a suggestion or new ideas or maybe just need a listening ear and we say

“Let put a pin in it.”

How many times do you actually come back to that pin?

This is a true struggle of mine.

We as humans are selfish. We like the world revolving around us.

We like talking about what we want to talk about.

But often times we (I) fall short when it comes to listening and really trying to understand what someone else is trying to say.

Sometimes it just goes in one ear and out the other.

It’s not something we are interested in so it must not be interesting… right?

Wrong.

This is a hard lesson for me to swallow some days.

I don’t like admitting this. But it’s been going around lately like a summer cold.

A friend of mine came up to me the other day talking about how upset he was with his Mother b/c she never seems to have time for him.

Here’s the scenario…

He calls or she calls every few months. He asks her how she is doing and she talks about herself and all her accomplishments and then asks him how he is and what he has done with his life lately… the minute he starts talking about something she doesn’t like or isn’t interesting enough she makes up some excuse and lets him go.

Sad. I know.

But who am I to point the finger.

God knows I’ve done this to people as well.

God knows I’ve done this to the very people that matter the most to me.

I suppose the question is why?

Have we really made ourselves that busy that we don’t have time for our loved ones?

Have we really gotten so swept up in ourselves that we don’t want to hear about things that don’t involve us?

What do you do when you are talking to someone and you see their eyes glaze over?

What do you do when you know they are not listening anymore?

Remember those feelings you feel when this very action is done to you.

So that next time you find your eyes glazing over…focus and realize that this person may need you the most right now.

Pride is something that consumes us all.

I admit I have a pride issue.

I am proud to say I’m independent

I am proud to know that I can take care of my self.

I am proud to say that I pay all my bills

I am proud to say “I can do this on my own!”

But the pendulum of pride is a double edged sword.

I am too proud to ask for help.

I don’t mean to be this way… it is so hard for me.

I think I have asked for help maybe 5 times as an adult.

I can’t do it. It’s so hard.

I feel so weak.

I remember one time I asked my sister for $20.

Just $20 – no big deal right?

Wrong.

The very next week I paid her the $20 I owed.

She said it was no big deal. And I believed her

But when I got into my car – the tears found me.

I was so ashamed. So embarrassed that I needed help.

I know what you’re thinking… I have issues!

Trust me – you don’t know the half of them.

But I’ve always been told that some of the best counselors were the ones that were crazy themselves! Haha

I can only remember 3 particular times that I was seriously in trouble.

Something happened (usually car problems) and I didn’t know what to do.

Now there have been other times when I wasn’t sure how I’d have enough money to buy groceries etc… but those weren’t the end of the world.

These times were either I pay and have a car that works or I pay rent and have a place to live etc... Or other dramatic issues like this.

And I’m sure most of you have been there and know how scary it is to look to the future and have no idea how things could possibly work out.

What do you do next?

Me – I get down on my knees – sometimes literally but mostly metaphorically.

I say “Help” I don’t know what to do.

Have you ever heard that song “Jesus take the wheel?”

That song gets me every time.

I think b/c it’s a pride issue as well… the girl in the song is finally letting go and saying ok I’ll be the passenger now.

That is soo hard for me.

I like having control – who doesn’t?

But this is what I was saying – help me, you take the wheel.

And then it comes… like a warm summer breeze, peace washing over me.

I let go and I let what ever happen happen.

Do you know what happened the first time that I had this happen?

I got a check in the mail 3 days before these bills were due for payment.

I got a check from my Grandma…that just said “Love you” as the reason.

I hadn’t spoken to my Grandma in weeks – no one knew I had money problems.

No one but God.

I knew he was with me the whole time and always has been.

Patiently waiting to take the reigns that I was clenching desperately onto for dear life.

The next time (years later) I had money problems, things were easier.

I wasn’t overcome with fear well not completely– I knew I would be taken care of

I let go and I waited for a sign.

Do you know what happened?

My Grandma sent me another check.

God took form as my Grandma – again no one knew about the money problems.

No one.

I can’t explain it – well I can but most don’t believe me.

My Grandma would have, but I never told her.

I never told her that God used her to show me hope, love and the peace that comes with letting go.

I hope she can see me now.

I hope one day I can tell her all of this.

If someone has shown you love or you have had a “God moment” from one simple gesture… tell them.

For if you don’t get a chance you will regret it.

Which brings me to my third time.

It was last week.

My car again broke down.

I have not so good luck with cars.

My sister says that once cars are in my possession that fall apart!

Maybe its true.

Never the less I was nervous of the future but I knew that I would be taken care of.

Things would work out.

Maybe money would fall from the ceiling

Maybe I’d get my tax return early.

I didn’t know but I had faith.

I knew if my Grandma was still alive God would use her in some way.

But you know who he used?

My Mom and Dad.

Now they knew I was having problems with my Car and how I was upset but I would never ask them.

They have given me so much

Pride had come back… I guess it was always there.

One night last week I was talking to my Grandma as I do sometimes.

Thinking about how I wish I had her to help.

But before I went to bed I asked God to take my burden.

And there it was the wave of peace flowing through my body.

My Mom called me the very next day to say they would pay for my car work.

I almost laughed out loud at how quickly he works

I go through this everytime.

Fear

Panic

Pride

Release

Peace

Giving

I’m thankful that I have someone that is so patient with me – we can go through the same emotions year after year and I’m still being provided for.

My pride is still here.

Money issues will always be a problem.

But I have someone who is always there to show me once again I am not alone.

Does anyone else struggle with pride issues?

And not necessarily with just money.

How do you deal with it?

Where did it come from?

On and i'm making sure I tell my Mom and Dad how God has used them.

Take care and have faith that things will all work out in the end.

Where has my mind been lately – I just realized I haven’t even mentioned the fact that I had a new Nephew born – on Feb 28th at 3:36am… he is already over a week old!!

His name is Grayson and he’s healthy and perfect!

I took Ayden to the hospital the next day to meet his little brother – plus I couldn’t wait to see his reaction to the baby.

Ayden immediately went right to him – instantly it was love

He adores him! We adore both of them!

Well here are picture so you can see too!

I don’t have too many pics of Ayden and Grayson b/c mostly they are videos of Ayden loving on him that I just couldn’t stop to take a picture instead.

I know my hair is a mess in the pics and I simply don’t care!! All I wanted was to take a picture with another piece of my heart.

Looks like great sleep!!

I love his smile in this last picture!  He was telling me a funny secret...

Things have been wonderful and stressful all at the same time. Does this happen to anyone else?

I have so much to be thankful in my life yet I hear worries whispering in my ear… in my quiet times those whispers turn into screams.

This past weekend I went home to the beach to see my friends and my Dad. It has been a long time since it’s just been my Dad and I and it was really nice. We went out to eat and talked, then we watched TV together and I laid next to him… it was really nice made me think about when I was a child and would cuddle up next to him and watch his old westerns. Though things are different now and that’s ok – I’m older and have been away from home for quite sometime so things have changed.

But despite that small longing for my adolescence – I had a great time!

Then Saturday night my best friend came over – I hadn’t seen her in a few years and we talked like we had never been apart. In fact we talked for 6hrs!! Haha. There was TV in the background but I don’t remember ever paying any attention to it.

Conversation is just easy with her.

She gets my Dad’s odd pushy humor like none of my other friends and life is just easy.

I love that about the beach.

Your life can be busy and constantly on the go – then you go away for a weekend to the beach and everything slows down. You kick back barefoot on the porch eating pizza and talking with great friends. It was so refreshing!

And even though I missed AJ – I really wasn’t ready to come back home. I prolonged my leave till 3 on Sunday but I knew I’d be tired and paying for it on Monday if I didn’t leave soon.

So reluctantly I drove off waving to my Dad as I rounded the corner. I desperately wanted to turn around and hug him one more time – but I kept going.

If I had a few more vacation days I think I would have turned around. But alas I, like most people, don’t have the time.

Then Monday came and work was so stressful – I wore flip flops and people look at me like I’m crazy! Lol it’s nothing like the beach here.

Then I looked at my bank account and ugghh no money. Seriously hate this….stress stress stress.

It all hit me on the way home so I put on my sunglasses and let the tears come.

I thought I was fine when I got home – but AJ once again has a power over me like no one else.

He asked me how I was and I just said stressed.

He said “Why?”

I said Money and work – I couldn’t get anything else out before I was a puddle in his arms.

I hate this about me.

I hate that I can let myself get so stressed over money.

He says everything will be okay and I know it will.

But its so disheartening when I see my gas tank on E and no food in the fridge… well there is food but not stocked like I’d like.

Plus I can’t help but think that my non stressful weekend was money spent that I could have used for the above mentioned items.

Anyway - I don’t mean to complain its just the beginning of the week and I’m tired.

On a happy note I’m down 14lbs!! I’m starting to see a difference in my pants and I think my face has gotten thinner so that makes me happy!!

Well as always thanks for listening.

Does anyone else out there love bringing up happy memories?

Just for a moment you are back again captivated in some of your favorite moments in time.

The other day I had one of those days….

It started off easy and simple – AJ and I were just watching a show on TV and something in the show reminded me of him and school years ago, so I shared.

Then I found myself telling him about all the little things I remembered in school, with friends, with him, staying up all night long talking, doing rain dances on a clear night! Lol you get the picture.

He then began to share with me memories from his point of view (I was already excited) – things he would do to get close to me (before we were “together”) things I never knew.

He told me about how he knew when I liked to get my swim on at JBC and during his daily jogs he said he would “casually” run past the pool and if I was in there he would make a water break at the pool (total detour from his route). I never knew that.

He told me how some of his favorite moments were when I was drawing on him during class b/c he loved me being that close even if it was just a brush of our arms. I never knew that. Plus he has always been a big supporter of my abstract drawing.

Memory after memory he shared I found myself asking for more and more

I found myself falling in love with this man all over again.

My heart grew 4 sizes bigger that day.

I was lost in a world of AJ’s memories…and I never wanted to leave.

I have always felt like every year that we are together I find that I am more and more in love with him as I was the year before but in this hour conversation I fell in love so hard, so fast I literally had to leave the room to catch my breath.

I was smitten – I am smitten This man loves me so much… There are moments in a relationship that I will never forget b/c those are the defining moments that prove to me his total unconditional/ unselfish love.

I remember it was 6yrs ago and I hurt him bad…. Real bad. If it was the other way around I don’t know if I would have stayed with me.

I remember I started to panic so I quickly got off the phone with him.

I remember thinking I just lost my best friend.

I went out side to breath.

And in his time of heartbreak

His pain that I inflicted

He ran out of his room across campus to see me….to console me

B/c he knew I was crying somewhere – feeling awful (as I should have been)

He came running up to me and scooped me up in his arms.

He let go of all the pain and forgave me instantly b/c he didn’t want ME to feel pain.

To be honest I’m not sure I could do the same for him….

So I’m floating around lately b/c I have someone at home that wishes he could spend every minute with me.

My best friend

My Love.

So I know it’s been awhile since I’ve updated lately – I’ve been going thru some things and to be frank things have not been easy for me.

I have and very much am still trying to deal with my emotions.

My heart has been hurting deeply these past couple of weeks.

Let me back up –

In December my little sister Morgen was married to a guy that works in the air force.

He lives far far away (might as well be another country) Well he didn’t have time off to take so they got married this 26hrs away from me.

I was unable to go to the wedding.

I said goodbye to my sister on Dec. 15th… i said goodbye to one of my only deep meaningful friends in NC that day.

I came home feeling as if I had just lost a part of myself

Yes Change is good but…

Things will never be the same – that has always been a hard lesson for me to learn.

But like most things life goes on – and people don’t notice.

This past weekend I went to a women’s conference with my Big sister Kady – she is due to have my second nephew in March and so I thought it would be wonderful for us to have a “girl’s weekend”

Well the weather got bad and I really don’t feel like getting into the reason but she had to leave early Saturday morning b/c her husband said he was scared of the weather and us driving in it.

I was crushed - more then i should have been and I didn’t understand why.

I was most certainly being dramatic but I really needed Kate that weekend and when she left I felt like I had just lost another sister to some guy.

I was heartbroken.

I don’t think I even realized how upset I was at first.

When I got home and saw AJ I ran into his arms and burst into tears.

Silly I know.

Its funny – AJ has always had a way with me like that. I can keep my composure and stay strong around almost anyone. In fact I guarantee no one at the conference knew I was upset but when I see him the flood gates come out.

Even as I was crying I was laughing – I knew I was being crazy.

Kady lives 10miles down the road. What was wrong with me?

Then I realized – maybe I haven’t fully come to terms or dealt with the fact that Morgen is not going to just come home as if she were on vacation.

And things are not going to go back to how it was when I had my sisters with me.

I know now that I was desperately trying to cling on to Kate for sisterly time like the “old days”

And then she left too.

And my walls came crumbling down.

This is going to be a hard month for me

The day my grandma died is just around the corner and has been creeping up in the back of my mind.

I feel all of these things pressing on my chest – things that will get better with time.

The change I will get use to – I know.

But for now – thanks for listening.

Does anyone else’s heart out there hurt today? What kind of pain are you feeling?

Don't worry this won't be a tradition - or maybe it will!  i don't know yet. 

But i came across this picture today and everytime i see it i crack up!!

This is a picture of my nephew Ayden taken last 4 of July about to pop my lil sister in the face!! haha!  Or so it looks that way - she likes to get in his face and one of these days this picture is going to come to life and she is going to get socked right in the kisser!  lol

Well see for yourselves!!

Seriously look at that concentration!! hahaha  Kills me everytime!